The ‘what if’ sadness

A prayer of pleading for all the good things to stay the same. A deep gratitude for each of those good things. A fear that they could disappear. An understanding that they could… in a flash.

It’s not anxiety. It’s not pity. It’s the knowledge that I am so deeply blessed and privileged. A necessary and heart-wrenching reminder that I am not set above. I did not earn this. Any of it. It was given to me. 

Why do I need people to see me and my “accomplishments”? Why do I hope they will be jealous? 

From this ‘what if’ sadness, I learn that my blessings are one thing: evidence of God. That my life is this one thing. And that this one thing cannot be earned. More importantly, it cannot be lost but it can, unfortunately, be forgotten. 

The fear, the understanding, and the gratitude remind me that I must be more grateful for what I have and less scared of what I could lose. That I must pray on the unchanging truth that I am a cherished child of the maker of all. Truly relish all that He has given me and trust in His desires for me to be united with Him in an everlasting embrace.

In the beginning and at the end, I am His.